


Mea Maxima Culpa

by orphan_account



Series: T'hy'La [2]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Epistolary, Fluff, Letters to lovers, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pre-Series, Pre-Slash, Slow Burn, T'hy'la bond, canon events
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2019-05-16 04:31:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14804418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Between their final parting as children, and the first time James Kirk sets foot on the bridge as Captain of the Enterprise, a series of letters exists between Spock and Jim, which sustains them for the eleven years they're parted.  Sequel to I Will Have This.





	1. 2250

**Author's Note:**

> So I realized according to canon that Spock spends eleven years on the Enterprise before Jim takes captaincy, so I figured a good way to keep them in contact would be through communications. 
> 
> I used a stardate calculator for the dates so they're probably not all that accurate, plus my braille refresher does NOT play nice with online calculators so let's just pretend that they, in any way, make sense.
> 
> This fic will be told in short chapters in the form of letters, and each chapter is titled with the year that they were written in. I'm going to try to do one chapter for every couple of years. 
> 
> This fic will be pretty short as far as word-count. Just consider it kind of a little interim piece between the kid fic, and when Jim and Spock finally get to serve together. This shouldn't take me long to write at all, then we can get to the GOOD stuff.

To: SC 937-0176 CEC, Cadet Kirk, James T  
From: S 179-276 SP, Ensign Spock S’chn T’gai  
Stardate: 72553.4

 

Jim,

I have been granted this request to procure your comm line in order to send a message. It has been exactly four years, eight days, seventeen hours, and six point two standard minutes since our last correspondence. My mother believed you had perished on Tarsus IV, however I was certain you had not. My Captain, Christopher Pike, has informed me that the son of George Kirk is well, and has been accepted into the Academy, on a command track. I hope my pride in your accomplishments is evident, and I hope this message finds you well. If you have attempted to contact me via my parents, there is no doubt you would have received a simple message that I no longer belong to the House of Sarek. Upon my acceptance to Starfleet Academy, ties with my family were severed, though my mother and I attempt to correspond whenever we are able. I am on a five year mission with the Enterprise presently, with no current shore leave scheduled near earth, however should the situation arise that we might see each other again, I would find it most pleasing. 

Diff-tor heh smusa.

My regards,  
Ensign Spock

~*~  
   
To: S 179-276 SP, Ensign Spock S’chn T’gai  
From: SC 937-0176 CEC, Cadet Kirk, James T  
Stardate: 72550.6

Spock. Jesus Christ. I think I almost gave my roommate an aneurysm. I wasn’t even supposed to be up this late, but my comm beeped and I…

I don’t know what to say. I commed your house after I got out of rehabilitation and your father answered. He told me Spock no longer existed, and I thought it was some Vulcan way of saying that you were dead. 

I’m kind of in shock. I can’t believe you’re alive. Except I guess I can, because weirdly I felt like…I would know if you were dead. I know that probably makes no sense. I can just see your angry little eyebrows going up and your little smirk, ‘Jim, that is the height of human illogic.’ I miss your voice. I can’t believe I’m staring at a message from you right now. I would give anything for you to be close to earth. I just…feel like this isn’t real unless I can touch you.

Are you okay? What the hell happened with your parents? Tell me everything please. Can you make personal vid-calls on the Enterprise? I really want to see your face.

I miss you so much I can hardly stand it.

Always yours,  
Jim

~*~  
   
To: SC 937-0176 CEC, Cadet Kirk, James T  
From: S 179-276 SP, Lt. Spock S’chn T’gai  
Stardate: 72493.1

 

James,

I regret that this correspondence has taken as much time to reach you. The ship was orbiting a planet and was locked in a month long ion storm where communications were cut off. We survived with the loss of only a few men, which my captain mourns, but logically, it was a success.

I apologize for my father’s statement, there is no doubt he was using circumstance to imply that I could not be found, as he has never approved of our friendship. I have not spoken to him for three years, and I do not believe that will change in the future. I must inquire as to why you did not ask your mother or father, who are both Starfleet employees, to check the records. I believe I once told you that I would consider Starfleet as a career option, and in the end, made that choice. Although I find myself conflicted over the emotions your communication has elicited, it is gratifying to know you are well, and are undertaking the career you had spoken of in our youth. Though it is illogical, I, too, find myself missing your presence and wish I were closer. Personal vid-calls to those outside of family are acceptable, but only on shore-leave, which we are due in six months. I shall endeavor to link your schedule to mine so we might make this possible. I believe I will find great pleasure in seeing your face again.

As to your final question, I am well. I have been promoted to Lieutenant in the science division, and have led many expeditions since undertaking this mission. I do not like to consider situations outside of reality, but I do believe you would enjoy this ship, should you ever have the chance for Starship placement. Might I inquire as to how your personal life is? That is…have you been shown the care and affection a human needs in order to survive? If not, please endeavor to find companions who can provide as such, so you do not suffer.

I look forward to further communication.

Taluhk nash-veh k'dular,  
Spock

~*~  
   
To: S 179-276 SP, Lt. Spock S’chn T’gai  
From: SC 937-0176 CEC, Cadet Kirk, James T  
Stardate: 72460.2

Spock,

I don’t think I ever met your dad. I mean, not at any point I actually remember, but from everything you’ve said over the years, all of that doesn’t surprise me. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry that your choices meant the loss of that relationship. I know how important it was to make him proud of you. I know your mom is, though. She was always amazing, and I’ll always be in her debt for the time I got to spend with you.

In truth, I didn’t ask my parents because things with them are…strained. The aftermath of Tarsus affected my dad’s health and he was, as he calls it, ‘retired to Admiral’. He’s at the Federation Base in New York for now, and mom’s still…actually I don’t know where she is. Sam got a job with the Federation Colony division and he’s been working on some uninhabited planet somewhere. Mom was with him for a while, but I don’t think she stayed. Honestly, I just figured if they’d heard about you, they would have said something.

I really can’t wait to see your face, but I just realized that I might actually be on a ship by the time you get Shore Leave. Right now I’m gunning for the Republic with my buddy Finney. He’s got me pretty matched as far as scores, and we get along really well. Or well…we get along okay, I guess. He’s…kind of intense. But don’t worry so much about me, okay? I promise I’m not wilting like a little flower stuck in the shade. I’m good. I think about you all the time, and I hope that our schedules line up so we can see each other.

I miss you, Spock. I miss talking to you, and holding your hand, and having someone who really understood me, you know?

Take care, and write soon. 

Yours,  
Jim

~*~  
   
To: SC 937-0176 CEC, Cadet Kirk, James T  
From: S 179-276 SP, Lt. Spock S’chn T’gai  
Stardate: 72460.9

Jim,

The crew has just been informed by the Captain that we are undertaking a mission of which I am not at liberty to speak. Communications will be down for some time, but I am told there is little to no hazard toward the crew. I wished to convey to you that I will think about you until such time as I hear from you again.

Taluhk nash-veh k'dular, Ashaya


	2. 2251-2252

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there's definitely more of a romance/connection between Jim and Spock in this universe than in TOS, but I mean, who doesn't love early K/S fluff, right?
> 
> One very specific line borrowed from TOS right at the end there ;)

To: S 179-276 SP, Lt. Spock S’chn T’gai  
From: SC 937-0176 CEC, Cadet Kirk, James T  
Stardate: 71986.2

Spock,

Happy birthday. You probably still don’t celebrate it, but I’ve never forgotten. When I thought you were…well. You know. I would head down to this little bar near the shipyard because there were always off-worlders there working, and occasionally I would see Vulcans. The bar served Plomeek soup, which frankly is terrible but I could totally see you being into it. Anyway, I know you’re out of communication right now, but I just wanted you to come back to this, and know that I was thinking about you.

Things are good here. Finney and I are getting along a lot better. I think I might have misjudged him. We got our assignment on the Republic, but we won’t be leaving until sometime next year. It was hauled in for repairs. It gives me time to work on the Kobyashi Maru—they say you can’t beat it, but I refuse to accept those odds. I bet if anyone has, it was you. Did you take it when you were here?

I think about you a lot. I think about you here, how you were on campus, and maybe sitting in some of the lectures that I have now. Maybe we shared some professors. Maybe one of my desks is one that you used. You were so close but so far and it kills me to think you were on earth for that long and I didn’t get to see you.

Anyway I have to go. I have a date tonight. Her name is Marta and she says she’s half Orion which I don’t totally buy, but Finney says it’ll do me some good. Apparently I mope. I think he’s full of it, but maybe I’m just missing you that much.

I hope you’re doing well, and not missing me too much.

I can’t wait to hear from you.

Forever yours,  
Jim

~*~ 

 

To: S 179-276 SP, Lt. Spock S’chn T’gai  
From: SC 937-0176 CEC, Cadet Kirk, James T  
Stardate: 71728.7

It’s so late right now, I feel like I haven’t slept in days. My dad had a heart attack and they said he might be okay, but they’re not sure. A med cadet, Leonard McCoy, he found him and kept him going until they could get him to the hospital. Things between me and my parents are strained, but I don’t know what I’d do if I lost him.

I wish you were here.

Or at least, I wish I knew you were going to get this.

I wish you could promise me you’ll be safe and you’ll come home in one piece. I don’t think I could bear losing you.

I’m sure you’d just tell me wishing was illogical, but you made a birthday wish once, so you can’t get on my case too badly.

I always wondered if that wish came true.

~*~

I hope I hear from you soon.   
To: S 179-276 SP, Lt. Spock S’chn T’gai  
From: SC 937-0176 CEC, Cadet Kirk, James T  
Stardate: 71394.5

Spock,

Finney and I leave tomorrow! The Republic was finished earlier than expected, and we just got our assignments! He was promoted, too, and I’m so damn proud of him. I wish you were here to celebrate with me. Hell, maybe our ships will cross paths, can you imagine that? I honestly fantasized about what I would do if the Enterprise ever showed up to help the Republic. Hopefully it won’t actually come to that, but hey, anything to get you within hugging distance again. I miss your forehead kisses.

Anyway, I’ll be up there for two years, then back to earth to do a few more months of in-class training. I’m hoping for a promotion during that time, but I won’t hold my breath. The Kobyashi isn’t going as expected, but I’m also not giving up.

I checked your name in the database and everyone on the Enterprise is listed on active duty. Sorry if that feels like a violation, I just had to know you were safe. I can’t wait to hear from you, Spock.

I think about you probably more than I should. I still hope we can serve together one day.

Talk soon.

Always yours,  
Jim

~*~  
   
To: SC 937-0176 CEC, Cadet Kirk, James T  
From: S 179-276 SP, Lt. Spock S’chn T’gai  
Stardate: 70997.2

James,

My sincerest apologies for my prolonged silence. Our mission took longer than anticipated, but as you see from this message, all is well and I have survived. I was in very little danger, though there were moments of uncomfortable discourse between the Captain and the people we were negotiating with. However, it was a success both for our ship, and for the Federation, so I believe all parties involved are satisfied.

Firstly I must begin with an appreciation that you remembered my birthday. You are correct in assuming that as per Vulcan tradition, I do not celebrate it. However I feel a great deal of affection in knowing it was a moment you held in your regard, as I do so in mine. The one, single gift I have received for a birthday is carried upon my person, and though it is an illogical statement, my mother once said it would bring me luck. As I do not believe in such things, I cannot say it has, however it has comforted me in times of distress.

Secondly I must express my condolences for your father’s illness, and I hope he has recovered. I have heard of this Dr. McCoy and although there is some scandal regarding his past work in space, his achievements stand alone on their merit. Your father was, as humans are wont to say, in good hands. Please inform me of his progress as you see fit.

You are correct in assuming that I would find wishes illogical, yet as a child I did enjoy participating in the human ritual of birthday wishes. I will neither confirm nor deny the wish, as I believe I was informed that doing so would negate the wish, and it will not come true.

I do hope your social activities have benefited you. I was briefly unaware of what a date was, until a fellow science officer explained the concept. I had not thought to inquire about your romantic proclivities, but I do hope you remain vigilant and safe. I would like to be informed, should you choose to make such an endeavor permanent and engage in a human marriage. I believe a gift is protocol for such things.

I hope your journey on the Republic is suiting you, and I look forward to your further communications. I have enjoyed reading these, and I share in your moment of fantasy should our ships ever cross paths.

Care for yourself in my place, James.

Taluhk nash-veh k'dular. As you claim to be mine, know that I am and always shall be yours.

Spock


	3. 2252-2253

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I updated the chapter count because I don't think I'll be done by five chapters. This is moving slower than I thought, and i only have little bits of canon of what happened during the 11 years Spock was on the Enterprise before Jim took command, but I am trying.
> 
> Sorry for the short delay in posting, but i'll be quicker after this weekend! And I'll get to comments asap. As usual, they mean everything to me. I listen to them on my phone before bed and they're the greatest, so thank you. Y'all give me actual life. <3

To: S 179-276 SP, Lt. Spock S’chn T’gai  
From: SC 937-0176 CEC, Ensign Kirk, James T  
Stardate: 70248.6

Spock,

I have so much to tell you, but not a lot of time. I got your message about a month ago, but the ship was attacked by some unseen force and knocked out everything but life support. The Captain was injured, but his XO did a good job rallying the crew, and eventually engineering got everything back in order. We’re heading for a nearby class M for shore leave now, and I know it’s pathetic to wish it, but if you happen to get this on time and have a chance to vid-call, I would love to see your face.

I was promoted, which felt amazing, but a friend of mine, I told you about him, Finney? Things got a little complicated. His mistake was what nearly took our ship down. I can’t really talk about it, you know how it is.

The whole time we were down, I comforted myself with your comm, and I know I probably have a long way to go before I see you again, but I miss you more than I can say. You are probably my truest and best friend, and I don’t know what I would do without you.

I don’t know when I’ll be able to write again. We have a while to go on this mission, then I have to return back to the Academy, but at least then I’ll be more reachable. I hope your mission is going well. I’ve checked on the Enterprise a few times, and Capt. Pike seems to keep you guys on your toes, but that’s a good thing, right?

Comm me back when you can.

Always yours,  
Jim  
 

To: SC 937-0176 CEC, Ensign Kirk, James T  
From: S 179-276 SP, Lt. Spock S’chn T’gai  
Stardate: 69989.02

James,

I must admit that until I experienced your triumphs second hand, I did not fully grasp the concept of when my mother confessed to feeling pride in my accomplishments. But I believe that I understand now, as there is a warm, pleasant feeling when I think about your promotion. Congratulations are in order, though I must express regret for any emotional compromise you have felt due to your friend’s transgression. I will also admit to you that I experienced an unusual, visceral rage toward a man I have never met, for he put you in danger. It was most illogical and required a great deal of meditation, but after some time I have come to the conclusion that not everything regarding t’hy’la is entirely logical.

I apologize that I was not able to comm you while you were on shore leave, but I trust it was most rewarding and succeeded in providing you with the respite humans need on long missions.

As to your comment regarding Captain Pike, I do not believe he assigns us any more work than any starship captain. I did inquire of Number One regarding the comment and she believes it is a human colloquialism to mean that there is relatively little downtime on our ship, which is, in fact, correct.

We will be orbiting Vulcan in the near future, which I admit is causing me more emotional distress than I considered it might, however the communications I have kept with my mother have assisted me greatly. I do not believe I would be welcome planet-side, but I believe Captain Pike would allow for a visitor aboard as he conducts business, therefore I might see her.

Tomorrow is my birthday, and once again I find myself missing you and your home on Earth. It is an illogical emotion, and yet I find I cannot escape it. That I should miss an experience which occurred so infrequently compared to that of my home world and my own parents should not exist, and yet I have been unable to envision little more than the moment you placed your father’s badge in my hand.

I shall do my best to connect with you soon. Our mission will be over near the time you are due back to earth for graduation, and I will do everything in my power to attend. It will bring me great joy to be part of that experience.

Be well, ashaya.

Taluhk nash-veh k'dular.  
 

To: S 179-276 SP, Lt. Spock S’chn T’gai  
From: SC 937-0176 CEC, Ensign Kirk, James T  
Stardate: 69879.4

Spock,

I hope you get to see your mother. I’m not sure if you’ve reached Vulcan by now, but if the meeting happens before you get this, please send her my regards and well wishes. You were my favorite part of the visits, but I liked her a lot too.

I don’t have much time to write, as usual. We’re heading to explore an abandoned M-Class and attempt to figure out why everyone seems to have disappeared. In my experience—which admittedly isn’t much—these missions never end well. With all my human illogic, here’s hoping.

I had a very good reason for writing you today, by the way. On earth, there’s a terran holiday called Valentine’s day. It’s pretty ancient, not a lot of people celebrate before, and I think its roots are actually in an old, classic novel. But it’s all about expressing affection for those you love. I never did great with people, so I always kind of hated that day, but it feels weirdly right today.

So that being said…

Spock, will you be my Valentine?

We met a Vulcan botanist a few weeks back, by the way. His name was Tekav and he was nothing like you at all, but then again, I don’t think many people—Vulcan or human—are like you. He taught me some phrases in Vulcan that I could use when I told him we were friends. He wouldn’t translate any of the Vulcan in your comms, though, but he did blush so I have to think it’s probably full of improprieties. Hopefully not too insulting.

I hope we can speak soon. I miss you so much I ache.

Sochya eh dif.

Yours forever,  
Jim


	4. 2254-2255

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to change a date here--Jim's promotion, but I don't think it matters too much.
> 
> This fic will end with them reuniting during Jim's graduation. There will then be another 8 years before they serve together, but I'm going to skip that part and the next fic will start in 2265, when Jim steps on the Bridge to take Captaincy of the Enterprise.
> 
> So expect another two chapters of this fic (one more letter exchange, then the in-person epilogue), and then I'll start the next which will be in standard story form, not epistolary.
> 
> I will get to comments when I can, but I've been struggling with my braille display not connecting to websites--my gf is guiding me on her laptop right now since mine is being a shit about everything--so it might be a while. Just know I have listened to every single one and each one gives me actual life.

To: SC 937-0176 CEC, Ensign Kirk, James T  
From: S 179-276 SP, Lt. Spock S’chn T’gai  
Stardate: 69542.44

James,

My mother sends her regards. She expressed great joy, in a display one might find shameful were it to occur on Vulcan, to learn of not only your wellbeing, but that you and I were in contact. My impropriety as a child proved a lack of privacy which I am willing to attribute to my half-human side, but she is quite aware you are t’hy’la.

I am not surprised to learn that a Vulcan would not translate such language. It is intensely personal, and as such, would not be logical to provide meaning. I will explain the words to you in person, but please understand they are written with great affection.

I have inquired as to this terran holiday and its traditions. I find I would not enjoy many of the rituals, including the consumption of chocolates as it has an inebriation effect on those with dominant Vulcan biology. I have experienced this once only, and the after-effects left something to be desired. The remaining traditions, expressing affections and exchanging dying flora seems illogical at its core, as it seems most terrans use this practice to make up for days in which they do not make their intended feel cherished. I do not understand humans in this way, and I hope that I have not left you lacking in understanding that what you are to me transcends most things, including language.

However, as illogical as it is, you requested that I be your Valentine, and as I find it much preferable for myself to hold this title rather than anyone else, I will accept. I cannot send flowers or chocolates, but allow me to make up for the transgression when we are finally together in person.

We are on another mission to a planet which has shown recent life-signs, so I do not know when my next communication will occur. But I think of you often, and I shall do my best to return to earth when you are there. I have calculated your graduation to commence in June 2257, and have put in the leave request.

Taluhk nash-veh k'dular.  
   
~*~ 

 

To: S 179-276 SP, Lt. Spock S’chn T’gai  
From: SC 937-0176 CEC, Lt. Kirk, James T  
Stardate: 68999.9

Spock,

I only have a moment to write, but I was promoted! My first interplanetary survey on Neural was a huge success. The place was amazing—it was so much like terra only…only not. I was given a commendation and promoted to Lieutenant. I’ll tell you everything when I have time. 

Tell me though, how are you? I’m worried. I saw the Enterprise was involved in an incident and returned to Earth. You have no idea how badly I wished I was there. All of the records have been marked classified, but your status was listed as injured, and the Federation listed the planet Talos IV as No Contact with the death penalty. I haven’t seen that in the books in hundreds of years!

Please tell me you’re okay. Please.

I miss you and I have so much to tell you. We’re heading back to earth soon, so if there are any more stops, I’ll be there. Promise me you’ll send a comm if you’ll be anywhere near orbit.

Always and forever yours,  
Jim  
   
~*~

To: SC 937-0176 CEC, Lt. Kirk, James T  
From: S 179-276 SP, Lt. Spock S’chn T’gai  
Stardate: 68671.2

Forgive me Jim that I cannot say what occurred. I was injured on Rigel VII, however the injury was not grievous. That, however, holds no comparison to our experience. I believe that Captain Pike is growing weary of command, and I am uncertain as to the future of the Enterprise.

That being said, my leave was approved, and I will be able to attend your graduation ceremony. If I do not see you before then, expect my presence by then. I would let very little stand in the way of being at your side for such an accomplishment.

I can do little else but thank you. In difficult times, in the vast expanse of the Universe, the thought of how singularity makes one not unique, but alone, I have you. The memories of you, of your touch, and the small badge which gives me a physical link to something I have left behind.

I must confess there is something I wish to tell you—an apology, an amends of sorts—which I will make when I see you in person. An error I believe I have committed. It is illogical to hope that you will forgive me, but I can’t seem to help myself. For now, I will be selfish and keep it to myself, just to have these moments in the case that you find my error too great to overcome.

Know that I shall always cherish you, however you choose to feel after.

Taluhk nash-veh k'dular  
   
~*~ 

To: S 179-276 SP, Lt. Spock S’chn T’gai  
From: SC 937-0176 CEC, Lt. Kirk, James T  
Stardate: 68252.03

I can’t think of a single thing you could have done wrong that I couldn’t forgive. We’re in deep space and I don’t even know if this comm has made it to you, or when it will. But you must know, Spock, that you are the most important person in my life. So I don’t need to know what it is to know you’re already forgiven.

I’m glad you’re safe and I can’t wait to see you.

It’s the only thing keeping me together right now.

-Jim


	5. 2256

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the comments and kudos! New braille display is on its way so it should be here in a few days. Then I'm going on a comment reply spree because I need you all to know how much I love each and every one.
> 
> Anyway second to last chapter. Next is graduation, and then I'll start the TOS fic.

To: S 179-276 SP, Lt. Commander Spock S’chn T’gai  
From: SC 937-0176 CEC, Lt. Kirk, James T  
Stardate: 66669.37

Spock,

I hear congratulations are in order. You were promoted! I am so damn proud, Spock. I had a little nip of Rigellian whiskey, and a little bit of chocolate cake from the replicator. It wasn’t as good as my mom makes it, but in a pinch, it’ll do the trick. I know you’re out of communication again, but I wanted you to come back to something good and positive since I have no idea how long this mission is going to be. I’m still holding out hope I can see you next year. It strangely feels like it’s been a hundred years, and also only a hundred seconds since the last time you were close enough to touch.

I just arrived back on Earth. The Republic is going to be out of commission for a few years thanks to a major engine overhaul, so it looks like I won’t be put back on assignment there after graduation. I think I’m okay with it. It never really felt like home, you know? I asked my dad if a starship ever feels like a place where you belong, and he told me that it’s not about the ship, but about the whole. It’s about the walls, and the engines, and the crew, and the _life_.

Something was clearly missing.

He’s sick again, another heart attack. He’s under the care of Dr. McCoy right now—I told you about him, right? He’s heading to Capella IV in a few weeks, but not before he gets my dad right again. I’m hoping to work with him again, but he seems pretty reluctant to serve on a ship so I need to do a little more convincing.

Sam’s getting married too. She’s a real nice girl, she worked with my mom on one of the colony projects—I don’t remember which. But he’s got his doctorate in xenobiology so I think they’ll be heading off world as soon as it’s done.

I’d ask you to be my date if you were around, but I’ll have to settle for a very nice, very sweet science officer I met the other day. Her name is Carol. She’s Admiral Marcus’ daughter. I’ve only met him a few times, but I guess he’s a pretty close friend of your captain. Anyway she’s a xenobiologist like Sam, and she’s got some really wild ideas. I think you’d get along with her really well. She’s on and off planet a lot, so I’m not sure how often I’ll see her, but it’s nice to have company on days like Sam’s wedding when distance and loneliness is sure to feel as heavy as the gravity on Tarsus.

By the way, I’m surprised you never asked. I…I mean I’m grateful, really. But surprised. The few people who knew before all the records were sealed, they couldn’t wait for the gory details and I just…I was so exhausted. Strange, because I think you’re the one person I wouldn’t have minded knowing.

Then again, maybe it’s just better you don’t. I’ll still be the Jim you remember from all those years ago.

Listen to me getting dark and melancholy when this is a time for celebration. For promotions and marriages, for graduations and the future.

I…have a question for you, but it’ll wait til I see you. If I see you. I heard the Enterprise was docking for a while so hopefully we’ll get the time.

I can’t wait to see you. Just a few more months.

Always yours.  
-Jim  
   
~*~ 

 

To: SC 937-0176 CEC, Lt. Kirk, James T  
From: S 179-276 SP, Lt. Commander Spock S’chn T’gai  
Stardate: 65753.4

James,

Another time I must beg your forgiveness, that it has been months between communications is unacceptable. Though the situation was out of my hands, I must confess I feel regret.

It is now measurable in days when I will have returned to earth. You are correct in your information—the Enterprise is docking for an overhaul along with several other fleet ships. The ship will be grounded no less than two years, and I have accepted a teaching position at the Academy in the meantime. My mother has requested my return to Vulcan, but I am certain she understands why I must decline.

I appreciate your congratulations. It not something I would consider celebration-worthy, as it is the natural progression of my career here in Starfleet, however as I, too, find illogical pride in such occasions in your life, I do understand. 

I regret I could not attend Sam’s wedding, though as we were never close, and he often simply found me alien, I do not believe my presence was missed. I hope your father has fared well in his health since, and that your brother has a long and prosperous marriage. I also hope your ‘date’ to the wedding has provided you with the accompaniment you desired.

I have, in fact, spoken with Admiral Marcus on several occasions. While his ideals and my own do not entirely match, I understand why he and Captain Pike have remained loyal friends these long years. She would be a formidable friend for you, Jim, should she retain any of her father’s intellect and wit.

I must confess I have been curious about Tarsus IV, however not enough that I would wish to cause you emotional distress, and it was only logical that questioning the events during written comms, without the ability to provide necessary, physical comfort, would bring such a thing about. Therefore if you wish to divulge the events to me in person, I would be most receptive to listening, however it is not necessary for my own peace of mind. You are alive, and you are well, and that is what matters.

For now I must end this comm, but know I am thinking of you, and am profoundly aware of the passage of time now that I know it brings me to your presence.

Be well, ashayam, for I will see you soon.

~*~ 

Spock hesitates outside of the Captain’s Ready Room, but Pike has already been alerted to his presence, and it’s only moments before the doors slide open. “You gonna linger out there all day, Spock?”

Spock clasps his hands behind his back as he enters. The first time he was invited to Pike’s quarters, he was a young Ensign, uncertain of his place in both Starfleet and a mostly-human world. Now he feels this is part of his family, a ship he wishes to remain employed on, and one that he would fight for. Much like his attachment to Jim, that has somewhat transferred to the Enterprise.

That’s not also saying something of his relationship with Pike. It quickly moved from mentor, to friend, to something a little more than that—though brief, for Spock was loyal to exactly one being in the Universe, and Christopher Pike was not that man. The affair led to something of a stronger bond between the two of them, however, and Spock took no small pleasure in eventually performing the marriage between the Captain and his XO.

“You look worried,” Pike says as Spock takes his customary seat.

Spock steeples his hands and presses the tips of his fingers under his chin. “I have considered the matter,” he says. And the matter is something so far from simple, he’s not ready to fully unpack what it all means. Chris is more than aware of Spock’s feelings toward Jim, of _what_ Jim truly is to him—something so few people know. Chris was willing to pull strings, to have Jim brought aboard on the Enterprise, and Spock turned him down.

He was asked to consider it carefully. “I’m in love with Number One, and serving with her was the best decision I ever made,” Chris had told him. “Think of these long years, Spock, of being without him, and how you don’t have to be after this. I have plenty of strings I can pull to get him aboard.”

“I believe I will stand by my original decision,” Spock says eventually, though speaking the words, creating more time and more distance between himself and Jim feels like opening a physical wound.

Chris frowns. “I just don’t understand. It seems so…”

“Illogical?” Spock offers with the quirk of lips.

Chris shrugs. “Something like that. You love him, you want him. Why not make it happen?”

“It seems unfair to manipulate the situation into benefitting myself. Jim has engaged in many romantic relationships these years, in which case is it only logical to assume he does not understand or feel our bond. He is human, and as such, subjecting him to someone so inhuman for the rest of his life…”

“It also seems unfair to take away his choice,” Chris says.

Spock bows his head. “I do not wish to remove it, only to avoid manipulation. Should Jim be placed on the Enterprise, I would of course be pleased. But I do not wish for you to interfere.”

Chris sits a moment, then nods. “But you’re going to see him, right?”

“I do not believe that Jim Kirk and I could occupy earth at the same time and not gravitate toward one another. And I do not wish to deny myself that small pleasure,” Spock admits. “There will be time between his graduation and his assignment that we will spend together. And perhaps then…”

Spock doesn’t finish his sentence, and Chris doesn’t ask him to. He gets it.

“Just a few weeks left,” he says.

Spock nods. He doesn’t need to tell Chris how anxious he feels, or how he illogically marks days off on a calendar. Or how he’s practiced how he will behave and what he will say when he finally is close enough to touch his t’hy’la once more.

He thinks perhaps if Jim knew Spock had the chance to get Jim on the Enterprise and spend several years at space with him—and Spock threw that chance away—he’d be furious. He wouldn’t understand how necessary it would be for Jim to make his own way, to find his own footing, to create his own legacy before Spock selfishly tried to claim him.

Because it was nature, yes. It was his biology and his katra that cried out for its other half. But it was also selfish. Jim was human, and was not subjected to such a call. Spock could never truly provide Jim the human side that humans needed to survive, so he could only hope Jim would find and take what he could get, so the future could belong to one who would be so lacking.

Spock admired many things about his parents, but he did not wish to emulate what they had. He understood his father loved his mother, and vice versa, but it was lacking a certain passion—a certain fiery element that made up Jim Kirk. Spock was terrified that his very existence would extinguish it.

The old saying, ‘it is easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission,’ was something Spock was counting on. Because Jim Kirk was truly an exceptional human being, and this might be Spock’s greatest mistake, delaying their future for a number of years he could not accurately predict, but he felt it was the right thing to do.

For now, he would tuck it away in a quiet, dark place and focus on the weeks ahead. Of seeing Jim again, of feeling his warmth beneath his palms, and of holding him close. Perhaps it would not be everything he desperately craved, but for now, for that immediate future, it would be enough.


	6. 2257

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end!
> 
> Part three will start soon. It'll begin pre-canon with 2261 (when Spock first meets Leila, and Jim finds out about Carol Marcus), and then it jumps to 2265 when Jim takes command of the Enterprise.
> 
> Their relationship is in a sort of dubious state--not quite together, but not totally platonic either, but I promise it becomes official in the next fic.

It feels like more than a hundred years have passed since Spock’s feet touched Terran soil at the same time Jim’s did. Never in his life had he felt so impatient during docking, during inspection, during decommission. Pike watched him during the process, and merely offered a smile which Spock had come to recognize as support and understanding, and the most he could give back was a tense nod of his head.

Spock’s job affords him an apartment near the campus. It affords him an aircar which he does not anticipate using. He has a stipend along with his salary, and his classes do not begin for at least two months. Graduation looms in the distance, just a few waking hours before Jim will grace the stage, accept his commencement, and then his future assignment.

Spock is as of yet unaware what it is, but he knows it is not the Enterprise. He stands firm in his decision that Jim must find himself, that Jim must choose him, and be outside of Spock’s emotional influence. It is the only way they will truly be t’hy’la.

Spock chooses a water shower for the first time in years, and the feel of it on his skin is not wholly unpleasant, and distracting in a way that it takes up enough time in the interim between landing and attending the ceremony. In his closet waits his Starfleet Academy uniform made up of sharp blacks and dull greys, and then his Vulcan robes which do a fair job at battling the fog and chill of the Bay Area.

Spock chooses his uniform. He shaves. He tends to his hair, and he drinks a cup of spiced tea from the replicator. He allows himself a moment to miss his mother, an illogic passage of time where he feels the echo of regret that so much of his past self has been cut off at the knees. All of that pales in comparison to the anxiety he feels knowing that in a few short hours he will see Jim again.

He does not know what to expect. He has seen the images of Jim on the holo—his standard identification records, the years showing plainly on his face as humans age so much faster than his own kind. Though Spock, being half human, is subjected to such genetic disadvantage of his cells not replicating the way a Vulcan’s do, so he supposes it is fitting. Perhaps he will not be forced to live long beyond the death of his t’hy’la, when all is said and done.

Spock glances at the chronometer on the wall, and deems it time to leave. He bypasses the aircar, choosing to walk as it allows him more time to meditate without distraction. He is nearly composed when he arrives, and then he sees her.

Winona Kirk, looking very much the woman he had once known. She aged the way his mother had, in her face, in the strands of new, coarse gray in her blonde locks which are twisted away from her face. She stands with George Kirk, who is leaning on a walker, and his illness is evident.

Though Spock would never speak the words aloud, he knows George Kirk’s time is short.

He hesitates. There is a place for professors to sit—Pike is waiting for him, along with a few Spock remembers from his own studies. He feels the pull, however, to touch base with the humans who gave him the strength to find his own humanity buried within his Vulcan upbringing. He finds his feet are crossing over the cement, his boots a gentle click as he puts one foot in front of the other until he is standing before the Kirks.

Winona recognizes him at once, and her face breaks into a smile. Her arms twitch like she means to hug him, and then she lifts a hand into the ta’al. Her fingers are slightly bent with arthritis, but it’s as perfect as it had ever been. “I wasn’t sure we were going to see you. Jim told us the Enterprise is grounded for some time.”

Spock inclines his head. “I have accepted a position here during the interim.” He hesitates, and then abandons Vulcan propriety—as there are no Vulcans here to observe his actions—and he pulls her into a hug.

Winona lets out a startled laugh as she hugs him back. “It’s so good to see you. I’m so sorry you and Jim lost contact. You…well. You heard, of course, about…”

“Yes,” Spock says, not wishing to speak further of that incident. “We have spoken at length since, however.”

Spock then says hello to George, who smiles at him beatifically. Then Spock excuses himself, because he doesn’t think he can be in the presence of Winona and George during the ceremony and keep full control over his emotions. It’s difficult enough being near Chris.

The ceremony begins with speeches, and Spock tunes them out. The graduates are sitting near, and Spock cannot see Jim, but being this close once again, he can feel him. He can feel the pull on his katra, of his half reaching for its other half. It is near agony, but Spock breathes through it. He reaches into his pocket and he runs fingers over worn edges of an old Starfleet badge that meant home, and safety. That meant ‘I’m thinking of you,’ and it meant Always shall be yours.

Jim gives a speech, and it is all Spock can do to remain in his seat. Suddenly he feels four years old again, a child in a shop, inexplicably drawn to a small, human infant. He feels overwhelmed with the desire to take Jim into his arms and spirit him away to a distant planet where nothing can ever come between them again.

In that moment he regrets his decision with something so painful he nearly turns to Chris and asks him to find a way to reassign Jim from wherever he’s been put.

He doesn’t.

He knows better.

He sees Jim’s eyes flicker through the crowd, sees when Jim sees _him_ with the rest of the staff. It’s the only moment Jim’s words falter. He gets through the rest of his speech though, and Spock’s eyes track him back to his seat. They do not stop looking at each other. Jim’s hazel eyes are bright, and crinkled at the edges. He’s so much not the boy Spock left all those years ago. He’s more now. He’s _everything_.

Time crawls by. Spock is profoundly aware of every ticking second.

It seems an eternity passes before they are dismissed, and though Spock knows that Jim should go see his family, get his congratulations—his physical affection that Spock had never quite mastered—from others, Jim finds him first.

He runs through a sea of red graduate uniforms until he comes to a skidding halt, his hands outstretched.

There are but mere inches separating them, and then suddenly, there is no space at all. Suddenly they are together, like magnets on an inevitable trajectory to one another. Spock knows that thanks to physics, there will always be space between them, but right now he feels none of it. He simply is aware of Jim’s warmth against him, the slow, beating human heart too fast and stuttering.

Spock’s hands drift to Jim’s hair, drift to his face, brush his psi-points to feel that connection though he’s yet to initiate a full meld. That will come with time, and with a promise…when Jim is ready to make it.

When they finally break apart, Jim’s eyes are bright with unshed tears. His hand lifts and touches Spock’s face as though he can’t believe he’s truly here.

“There were times when I swore I was just writing to myself,” he says with a broken laugh. “Or some asshole like Finnegan had hacked my comms and was just playing pretend. I thought maybe after all those years I really has lost you and…”

Spock catches his hand, squeezed it, feels the nerve endings reaching for Jim’s, to feel their connection. “I am here,” is all he can say.

Jim’s laugh bubbles up from his chest, so beautifully human, and Spock knows he will never need to display such emotion because Jim is capable of show it for the both of them. “I guess you are here.” He licks his lips, then says, “I was assigned. Uh. The Farragut. Last night we all got our…” He clears his throat. “We ship out in a week.”

Spock bows his head and runs his thumb over Jim’s exposed wrist. Such a mundane gesture here, where on his home planet they would be stared at for such a flagrant display. His thumb moves to Jim’s palm, even more scandalous. “We have one week, then.”

Jim nods. “I was kind of hoping the Enterprise… but. It’s grounded, and I know they want me on there.”

Spock hesitates, but he will not lie to Jim. Never to Jim. “Captain Pike made the offer to assign you there, but I requested that Starfleet be allowed to make the decision where to place you.”

As expected, Jim’s eyes flare wide, and Spock feels a hint of betrayal seeping into his skin from Jim’s hand as his t’hy’la pulls away. “You…but I thought you wanted…”

“I do,” Spock says hurriedly. “More than I can express.”

“Then why?” Jim begs.

Spock reaches into his pocket and pulls out the Starfleet badge. “I had lived most of my life on the path someone decided for me. This…and you…gave me strength to find myself. I believe we will serve together. I believe there are more years than I can fathom in our future. For now, however, you must do this.”

Jim stares, and Spock is for the first time uncertain how Jim will react. Then a warm hand closes over his, and Jim huffs out a laugh. “I hate that you’re so logical. Jesus.”

“You are not angry?” Spock inquires.

Jim laughs again. “I’m furious, Spock. I’m so furious with you I can’t see straight!”

“Perhaps a medical officer can…”

“Shut up, Spock,” Jim bites, and Spock does as ordered. “I get it, okay? I know what you mean, and I get it. But I don’t have to like it.”

“I never assumed you would. I only ask that you forgive me for my transgression.”

Jim steps into his space again, touches his face once more, and Spock has never in his life felt so much comfort from physical contact. He is unsure how he will go without it for so many more years. “We have a week, then.”

Spock nods. “Yes. We have a week.”

Jim stares, then boldly reaches between them and threads their fingers together. “Come on. Let’s go talk to my parents. You probably have stuff to do, but I’m not wasting another second that I have to keep you with me.”

Spock allows the corner of his mouth to lift as Jim drags him through the sea of bodies. “I find that acceptable.”

Jim glances back with his sunny grin and simply says, “Good.”


End file.
